The next day was tougher than I’d ever thought. This is a day that started with Vanny being off on his phone. I tried to reach him over and over but he was nowhere to be found. The day went on and on, I clung on to the hope that maybe later in the day he’d show up but afternoon set in without a slight trace of him. A part of me wanted so bad to just let it loose and go look for him, the thought of the reactions I’d meet at his place scared me. There’s something worse than fear of disappointment, it’s called being in the dark. I was in the dark and no one could save me from it but me. So I finally grasped the courage to go look for him. It wasn’t in my norm to tell anyone at home wherever I was going and this day was no different. I skipped into my sweat pants, pulled on my hoodie, hanged my earphones on my neck and took off. Diverting from conversations I didn’t want to have was as easy as having my earphones in my ears and that’s exactly what I did, the least I needed was some boring random conversation along the way. Along the way I kept imagining what was awaiting. No doubt I’d meet odd looks or worse have to bear mean words from that woman, she knew nothing better than pissing me off and the only reason I couldn’t hate her was for the fact that she was biologically linked to the man I loved. If that was the price to be paid for loving as deep as I did I was more than ready to be on that sacrificial alter and take it all. For Vanny I’d take a bullet straight into my heart.
I pushed through the entrance, struggling hard to stay composed every step of the way. I could feel eyes on me but I didn’t know who exactly was looking at me or where they were. The thought of that scared the hell out of me. “Stay composed Therry, get it together”, I murmured plunging my hands in my pocket, one of those gestures I made when extremely scared.
“Where do you think you’re going?” I halted at the voice of Vanny’s mother. She was fiercely coming my way. Of course I was right, someone was watching me make steps and who better than this woman with a look that penetrated through your skin like some acid poured on a reactive surface. I was determined not to get upset or let her words get to me.
“Sorry I didn’t knock the gate, I just didn’t think anyone was close by to hear me knock.”
“That doesn’t answer my question.”
“Well, is there a chance I can see Vanny?”
“Ohh so he didn’t tell his little drug addict he’s leaving? Guess you don’t matter as much as you thought you did”
“Wait, did Vanny leave?”
“What language do you understand best?” I was shaking, struggling to get breath. This was hard, the worst it could ever get to.
“Sorry”, I said and took off running, holding myself from bursting out loud in tears. Why would Vanny leave, that wasn’t the most disturbing question in my mind though. What bothered me most was why he’d leave without saying a word. Was it because I didn’t matter the way his mother said, a day ago he’d made me feel like the most important thing in his life. There had to be an explanation to all these. Right then I was struggling hard to remain sane, to not feel like running in the next available shop for a packet of cigarettes. I didn’t see much of a reason to not slip back into my addiction, my reason was gone anyway.
I only came to realize later I’d been out for hours, aimlessly walking. I hope no one saw me talk to myself, or worse cry. It was already sunset, not a word from my man, not a sign of him. Maybe I hadn’t done enough, so I decided to go see if I’d find him at a spot we both found peace at. As I took long strides towards the river banks, I really hoped he was there, looking hot as usual waiting for me to get there. I couldn’t stop picturing him there. Each step I made, my heart beat harder, out of anxiety…
To be continued.